Unspoken Words

I've been meaning to write this for months but I could not seem to gather the nerve. I could not even find the words to say what I really want to say. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions. I am silent yet bursting with joy. It is not in my nature to be eloquent in my feelings and yet once I held my pen, I could not seem to stop writing and writing and writing.

It's been years since I have last held this emotion at the palm of my hand and yet here it is, right in front of me, waiting to be acknowledged yet knowing it could never be. It was sudden. Unexpected. Exhilarating.

For months I have endured these conflicting emotions--extreme happiness on one end and crushing disappointment on the other. A part of me knows I should let go but another part just wont. It's like a pendulum of indecision that could not stop from moving from one side to another.

I have rejoiced in the knowledge that when I pass by, a pair of eyes would follow in my direction and how I wish I could turn and look at him the way he looked at me. But like all the other tragic stories, ours could never have a happy ending.

An ocean of conflict stands between us--my inability to express what I really feel, his painful shyness, his social status, my cynical take on the world, his first taste of the future that awaits him, my driving ambition and his lack of it.

His actions told me what words could not and he had a good reason for not for not voicing them, the same way that I had no choice but to keep silent about it.

I've gotten used to our guessing games--of wondering whether we would see each other accidentally or whether we would finally allow our eyes to meet and maybe share a secret smile. How pathetic! At my age, I should not even be playing these games anymore but still it gives me a small measure of satisfaction...Oh, darn!

I miss these seemingly insignificant things but I could not avoid being proud of myself. Imagine the self-control I have to do. Suppressing the kilig factor that crept unobtrusively
at first then increasing its magnitude in time. This is a bewitching torture. It unnerved me, shamed me...fascinated me.

It's nothing sinful, really. No quoting of Bible passages for me. No prayers for the salvation of my soul. But there IS regret--regret that at this stage in my life, I have succumbed to this unlikely feeling. That it would remind me of my youth and the fleeting passage of time. Why get used to someone who is clearly unsuitable?

No words passed between us, there was really no need, for his stare, so simple and shy, but so deep and eloquent in meaning brought memories of roses and thoughts resting on the clouds. Why now? Why at this time?

It's too late now, isn't it? There is no way of doing it, no communication lines to open, no reason to speak at all...yet when I close my eyes, it's his face I see...and all that could have been.

In My Arms

Come into my arms
Come into my dreams
Give me a reason for holding on
Tell me sweet words of empty promises
So when I close my eyes
I only see your loveliness
You are adored
You are wanted
You are sweetly remembered every time I open my eyes and my thoughts
My head is full of you
My feelings are centered upon you
You are adored
You are wanted
With every fiber of my being...

Confused...Bewildered

But it was bewildering
This feeling that suddenly came up
Unexpected...unbelievable
Extraordinary thing that came up from an ordinary thing
Got me confused and wondering
Of whether this is real or not
A part of my reality or just an imagination?
Expectations step in and now I'm wondering
Is this for real or not?
Can I play it?
Can I survive this whole without a single piece of me losing?
To this madness that is called...love.

But is there more to this?
Is there hope? a possibility?
Can I ever hold it at the palm of my hand
Or will be forever unattainable?
Sensations engulf me, my head, my heart...my entire being
And then I go wondering again and again and again,
An endless cycle of doubt, exhilaration and finally, confusion
Questions unanswered...feelings unacknowledged
Will I still remain the same or will I forever be changed?

Whispers

As still as the ocean waters
Your eyes speak of volumes
Intense...mesmerizing
Touches the stirrings of my soul
Endless nights of reverie
Waiting...anticipating
The softness of your voice
The warmth of your presence
Waiting...anticipating
The flames of your gaze
The completeness of your embrace,
Engulfing my being, overwhelming my senses
As we enter the silence of the midnight skies...

Dance of the Butterflies

Flickers in the embers of passion,
Soft wings fluttering...
Shy touches...caressing...lingering...
Soft kisses in the night.

Whispers deep in the moonlight
Stillness...lightness...breathlessness
Restless thoughts racing
All centered upon you

Lovely...Beloved...
Keep my kisses in your thoughts
Lovely...Beloved...
Hold my hand deep into the night
Be still, my heart
Slow down and look
His eyes beseeching
Be still, my heart
Slow down and listen
Soft whispers of love
Repeating...Resonating
REverberating in the deep secrets of the night.

Welcome to my domain...this is a tribute to the creative juice flowing within me. This year, my first novel Love On the Rebound was published and it is my hope that you guys were able to enjoy it. This blog will be full of unconventional stories that have been germinating in my mind. some may have a happy ending, but others will not. It is my sincere hope that you will still enjoy reading them. They say that writing is not a lucrative job and I'm inclined to agree but the artist in me needs an expression. An artist lives for his art and not for money, he/she creates for the love of his/her craft...I am one of those people.