Panaghoy…

Dumarating na ang dapit-hapon
Kumakalat ang dilim at ang pagtatapos ng isang araw ay muling nadarama.
May lamlam sa mata ng iba habang sa iba ay may ngiti sa labi
Ako’y nakatanaw lamang
Nagmamasid sa pagdaraan ng araw
Isang saksi sa walang tigil na pagdaan ng oras sa ating harapan
Umiinog ang mundo ngunit tila nakatigil ito para sa akin
Gusto kong gumalaw
Lumipad ng malayang-malaya
Pumaimbulog paitaas at kung maaari ay hindi na bumaba.
Nais kong pigilin ang muling pagdalaw ng dapit-hapon
Nais kong lipulin ang dilim at panatilihin ang liwanag
Nananaghoy ang aking pusong nangungulila
Sa mga panahong nagdaan
Sa mga pagkakataong sinayang
Nais kong lumakad at tuklasin ang dahilan ng aking buhay
Ayaw kong magmasid lamang
Nais kong makilahok
Makisama
Makiisa
Ngunit nakaapak ang aking mga paa na tila ba ugat na may masidhing pagkapit sa lupa
Isa akong tagamasid sa mga taong naglalaro
Naglalambing
Isang taong saksi sa pagdaraan ng panahon
Sa pagtatapos ng mga araw
At sa pagsikat ng buwan.
Nais kong lumaya
Nais kong lumaya….

Untitled

I could not fathom this constant yearning…the need to see your face…the wanting for your voice.
Sparks of recognition for someone’s who’s my other half...my extension and the reason for my living.
I hurt when you’re hurt. I feel your tears deeply as if they’re my own.
I rejoice for every triumph that you conquer.
Your silence- my sanctuary, your arms my haven-a place where I could escape, where the chaos of the world cannot reach me.
I save my smile for your pleasure.
My laughter is yours, just in case you need it…
I close my eyes in ecstasy when you touch me with longing.
Stay with me…
Be with me…
Be my anchor in the midst of storms…
And I will be yours in every tempest that you meet..
Stay with me..
Be with me..
Be the keeper of my soul
Be the guardian of my fate
For my future is yours and yours alone..
If only you will recognize it
If only you’ll accept it.

Hidden Longing

You have never seen my face
Have never heard my voice
We stand face to face, looking at each other
But still I am a stranger
Just a face in the crowd and not really worth remembering

Yet you stand in front of me
My personal sun, the center of my universe
Will you spare me a glance of longing?
Will you sing me melodies of yearning?
Your very presence is the reason for my being.

Unreturned feelings that are best forgotten
Unspoken words best kept hidden
The pain, the bitterness of a love unrequited
Haunts me deeply and wounds me painfully.

Letting Go...

Let go…
Little by little
Bit by bit
Of memories once held dear
Once held precious

Let go…
Of the bittersweet emotions
At times exquisite
At other times heartbreaking

No use in hoping
No use in pretending
That you’re more to him than a passing fancy
More than a stranger, more than a friend.

Let go…
Slowly but with certainty
Give your heart a chance to rest.
A chance to recover
A chance to forget.

Let go…
Little by little
Bit by bit
Bear the agonizing pain
Of a love unreturned,
A love unrequited.

Unspoken Words

I've been meaning to write this for months but I could not seem to gather the nerve. I could not even find the words to say what I really want to say. I am overwhelmed by the intensity of emotions. I am silent yet bursting with joy. It is not in my nature to be eloquent in my feelings and yet once I held my pen, I could not seem to stop writing and writing and writing.

It's been years since I have last held this emotion at the palm of my hand and yet here it is, right in front of me, waiting to be acknowledged yet knowing it could never be. It was sudden. Unexpected. Exhilarating.

For months I have endured these conflicting emotions--extreme happiness on one end and crushing disappointment on the other. A part of me knows I should let go but another part just wont. It's like a pendulum of indecision that could not stop from moving from one side to another.

I have rejoiced in the knowledge that when I pass by, a pair of eyes would follow in my direction and how I wish I could turn and look at him the way he looked at me. But like all the other tragic stories, ours could never have a happy ending.

An ocean of conflict stands between us--my inability to express what I really feel, his painful shyness, his social status, my cynical take on the world, his first taste of the future that awaits him, my driving ambition and his lack of it.

His actions told me what words could not and he had a good reason for not for not voicing them, the same way that I had no choice but to keep silent about it.

I've gotten used to our guessing games--of wondering whether we would see each other accidentally or whether we would finally allow our eyes to meet and maybe share a secret smile. How pathetic! At my age, I should not even be playing these games anymore but still it gives me a small measure of satisfaction...Oh, darn!

I miss these seemingly insignificant things but I could not avoid being proud of myself. Imagine the self-control I have to do. Suppressing the kilig factor that crept unobtrusively
at first then increasing its magnitude in time. This is a bewitching torture. It unnerved me, shamed me...fascinated me.

It's nothing sinful, really. No quoting of Bible passages for me. No prayers for the salvation of my soul. But there IS regret--regret that at this stage in my life, I have succumbed to this unlikely feeling. That it would remind me of my youth and the fleeting passage of time. Why get used to someone who is clearly unsuitable?

No words passed between us, there was really no need, for his stare, so simple and shy, but so deep and eloquent in meaning brought memories of roses and thoughts resting on the clouds. Why now? Why at this time?

It's too late now, isn't it? There is no way of doing it, no communication lines to open, no reason to speak at all...yet when I close my eyes, it's his face I see...and all that could have been.

In My Arms

Come into my arms
Come into my dreams
Give me a reason for holding on
Tell me sweet words of empty promises
So when I close my eyes
I only see your loveliness
You are adored
You are wanted
You are sweetly remembered every time I open my eyes and my thoughts
My head is full of you
My feelings are centered upon you
You are adored
You are wanted
With every fiber of my being...

Confused...Bewildered

But it was bewildering
This feeling that suddenly came up
Unexpected...unbelievable
Extraordinary thing that came up from an ordinary thing
Got me confused and wondering
Of whether this is real or not
A part of my reality or just an imagination?
Expectations step in and now I'm wondering
Is this for real or not?
Can I play it?
Can I survive this whole without a single piece of me losing?
To this madness that is called...love.

But is there more to this?
Is there hope? a possibility?
Can I ever hold it at the palm of my hand
Or will be forever unattainable?
Sensations engulf me, my head, my heart...my entire being
And then I go wondering again and again and again,
An endless cycle of doubt, exhilaration and finally, confusion
Questions unanswered...feelings unacknowledged
Will I still remain the same or will I forever be changed?